As parents, the instinct to take care of our children is deep and abiding. From the moment we welcome them into the world, we become defined by that first embrace, and we commit ourselves to doing all we can to help them navigate the world joyfully, and with ease. Even as they grow, and their unique identity reveals itself, through our parent eyes we will always see the reflection of that first helpless and awesome encounter from birth, and so the instinct to protect and nurture them is perpetually renewed. For this reason, it is one of the more perverse ironies of parenthood that some of our best and most challenging parenting requires our doing less, not more. Our innate desire to insulate our child from struggle and prepare them for life with all the support, advice, and enrichment we can provide comes from our best intentions, but good intentions have the uncanny tendency to lead to unintended and unhappy consequences. When our children face challenges, we want to come to their aid, but if we are too hasty or heavy handed, we may unwittingly undermine their ability to see themselves as capable and resilient.
My favorite metaphor for this struggle is watching a child learn to tie shoe laces. I can still remember when my daughter was learning to tie laces, and how difficult it was for me to resist the temptation to reach down to help her as she struggled. I think I may have had to literally sit on my hands to avoid undermining her ability to figure it out by herself. There have been many times since then that I have tried, with varying degrees of success, to sit on my hands while my girls navigate challenges, big and small.
The older I get, the more I see the wisdom in a “less is more” approach to parenting. I like the suggestion that we strive to be “hummingbird” rather than “helicopter” parents -- checking in from time to time, but staying away enough to allow our children to develop some independence. As an “enthusiastic” soccer dad and coach, I also like the “silent sidelines” movement which asks that parents and coaches allow children to take ownership of what happens on the field, allowing children to take risks and discover their own solutions to the challenges they encounter. In classrooms, we are also recognizing the value of nurturing self-determination in our students and giving them a voice, or what we call “agency,” in children through collaboration, student choice, and student-centered learning.
Letting go is hard, but this is the true art of parenthood. It is all one gradual, bittersweet, inevitable letting go. The tighter we hold, the less connected we may be to our children, and the less prepared they may be to take the leaps of faith that will determine their path in life and their character. Letting go does not mean loving less, but is its own act of selfless love. And the best thing about letting go is that it gives us an exceptional view of the most sublime art of all, the flourishing of personhood in our own child.
Patrick Bane Lower School Director