Last week, we had the privilege of hosting Dr. Gregory Dale, the Director of Sport Psychology and Leadership Programs for Duke University Athletics. In this capacity, Dale works with Duke athletes, coaches and staff on both performance and leadership. He also speaks at numerous schools and colleges and consults for professional athletes and organizations. He is the author of four books including one for parents and one for student athletes. Over the course of his two days at Holton, Dale met with Upper School athletes as a large group as well as Holton Athletic Association members and team captains in a smaller group, and parents and coaches (separately) from Holton and other independent schools. One of the students told me that the girls were so enthralled with his presentation that they didn't want to leave even though the session had run over its scheduled time. High praise indeed from teenagers! He's very compelling and I thought you might be interested in his thoughts. He discussed parent investment in children's athletics, the lessons we teach our children through our own behavior, and why children should play sports. I would argue that while he makes his points in the context of athletics, they would apply in a number of areas.
He began with a famous quotation from Socrates bemoaning the condition of young people in his day. If Socrates could say in the 5th century BC that "The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise," Dale argues that what has changed is not young people but parents. We've all heard of helicopter parents, who hover over their children, monitoring their every move. Dale adds to the lexicon a number of other species of parents, mostly variations on helicopter parent. While he's amusing, he is arguing that we are too involved in our children's lives. We see this particularly in sports, but it happens in other areas as well – music, drama, dance, even academics. The result of this over-involvement: children who do not know how to deal with failure. We are nurturing "learned helplessness" leaving our children struggling to find resilience.
Dale asked us to think about the wisdom of devoting virtually all our free time, including vacations, to our children's sports. He would argue, and I would agree, that parents should have a life outside of their children. There's no need to attend practice, to keep stats during every game, or to coach from the sidelines. In fact, coaching from the sidelines only distracts the athlete who has to listen to two people at once, her coach and her parent, a sure recipe for poor play. Our own egos and self-esteem shouldn't be bound up in our child's performance, and that could apply to many areas besides sports – dance, drama, academics, etc. He didn't say this, but kids are very attuned to their parents' emotions and it is unfair to make them feel responsible for our happiness. In addition, as Dale pointed out, "your child isn't screwing up on purpose." She undoubtedly wants to do well, but she should be striving for herself and team, not to make her parents happy or even proud.
Our investment in our children's performance can, as we know lead to some very unfortunate behavior on parents' part. We've heard the horror stories like the Boston area hockey father who beat another dad to death, and we've all witnessed less egregious but nonetheless inappropriate behavior by parents. Dale starts with a simply piece of advice: "leave the coaching to the coach." Cheer on your child and her teammates enthusiastically, but try only using positive adjectives, no verbs like go, shoot, pass or run. Never comment negatively about performance, especially that of children other than your own. Remember that you're always representing your child's team, and be respectful of other athletes and parents as well as referees.
If your child expresses concerns about her coaching, have her talk to the coach. She needs to be her own advocate. You can help her formulate what she is going to say, but respect and a goal of making the coach your ally should guide you. If you feel it's essential that you talk to the coach, Dale offers several considerations:
- Playing time is always off limits;
- Always try to be constructive;
- Never have tough conversations in front of other people;
- Never express your concerns over email;
- Wait 24 hours before you say anything;
- Never call a coach at home;
- Never discuss other athletes;
- Bring the athlete, your child, with you for the conversation.
As a parent, we also need to think about the pressure our focus on our children's performance places on them. We should be working to build up, not knock down, our children's confidence. Dale asserts that for all kinds of athletes, the car ride home after a game stands out as their worst experiences. Especially if they've lost, we need to give them space. But win or lose, we don't need to analyze every aspect of the game or her play. In fact, we should ask our children what they need from us when they don't perform well. If you're a coach yourself, you might also ask, do you want me to be a dad or mom right now or a coach? Regardless, our children should feel unconditional love from us no matter how they play.
What lessons is our behavior teaching our children? What do we hope our children will learn from playing sports. When we bash the coach, we teach our children not to respect that individual and by inference other people in authority. The same goes for bashing referees. We've all watched games that refs officiated unfairly, but blaming a ref is like a carpenter blaming his tools. It's not a good excuse. Moreover, when adults criticize other adults with authority, it puts children in conflicted positions. To whom should they listen? They will usually defer to their parents, but they still have to play for the coach or sit – and try to learn – in the teacher's classroom or perform for the director of the play or music ensemble. It's not fair to put children in such positions and it undermines their learning and performance. Criticizing their teammates also puts them in a difficult position – these are their peers they need to play with. By criticizing teammates, you undermine the team which will negatively impact performance. Behaving in unsportsmanlike ways as a fan also teaches poor behavior, and obsessing over winning and losing engenders an unhealthy perspective in our children. It is "only a game," after all.
Our children can learn so much from playing sports: teamwork, sportsmanship, resilience, persistence, handling pressure, and leadership. It's those qualities on which we should focus. As Dale observes, no one ever remembers the stats after the season is over. What they do remember is what kind of person you were. What kind of attitude did you bring to practice every day? How did you behave when you sat on the bench? What kind of effort did you exert? Were you a good teammate? How you behave as an athlete plays out in the rest of your life. Most people won't play sports after high school and almost certainly not after college, but we'll all have jobs where we have to work with others, will experience disappointment, and will do better if we exert effort, show a positive attitude, and generally put our best foot forward.
Getting a college athletic scholarship should not rank among the reasons for your child to play sports. Only about 2% of high school athletes will receive athletic scholarships. Sports can certainly help you get into college, but as Dale points out, so will lots of other activities, like music, or Model UN, or newspaper, or theater, or . . . . Indeed, as Dale argues, colleges dole out considerably more in academic scholarships than for athletics.
Hopes of playing in college can also lead to early specialization, a trend Dale laments for several reasons. One, we're seeing an epidemic of overuse injuries in high school athletes. Tommy John surgery used to be reserved for baseball players in their thirties; now it's not uncommon in teenagers. Second, young people burn out. According to Dale, 70% of players who start a sport at five, drop out by fifteen. Dale strongly encourages young people to play several different sports over the course of the year, not to play multiple sports in a season, and to play for their schools over their club teams.
Our children stand to gain a great deal from playing sports, as well as participating in other activities they enjoy. We as the adults in their lives need to step back, divest ourselves, and let them learn and have fun on their own, knowing we love and support them in the background. No more conversations about the game in the car ride home.