Last week, we explored all the reasons that our adolescents (and we) need sleep. I remind you of two key takeaways from the sleep research: (1) teenagers should be getting nine and a half hours of sleep and (2) students who get more sleep get better grades. So what can we do so our young people get more and better sleep? There are some relatively simple steps they can take, but just because they are simple, does not mean they will be easy.
Obviously, when we go to sleep and when we get up largely determine how much sleep we get. Morning doesn't allow for much flexibility, so bedtime constitutes the main variable for most girls. Equally obviously, a number of factors influence how realistic a bedtime that permits nine and a half hours is. How late they stay at school, what activities they do after school, what time they get home, how long it takes to eat dinner (preferably with their family) and do their homework as well as any other obligations they may have all contribute to the time available for sleep.
This range of factors makes for a complex picture. If your daughter consistently goes to bed late enough that it's hard for her to get a reasonable amount of sleep (let's say at least eight hours), then you and she may together want to examine all the different factors that contribute to her late bedtime. Before we dive into what that examination might look like and some steps you might take depending on what the examination yields, let me say from the outset that the School also has a responsibility to help create conditions that allow students to get enough sleep.
Students and parents frequently blame homework for students' late bedtimes, in part because it's often the last thing students do in a day. If homework seems to be an important factor for your daughter, you and she should have some thoughtful, non-judgmental conversations. You may want to start by exploring the possibility that she may be distracted. Is she texting, instragramming or snapchatting while doing her homework? I would urge her to turn off any alerts that signify texts or posts. She should then identify times when she'll check her phone – every 30 minutes, say, or when she's finished a specific (not too large) task. Even doing this, however, may not remove all the distraction because of "fear of missing out" or FOMO. Ideally, she and her friends would agree to evening blackout periods when none of them would text or use social media. Given the reach of many of their social media connections, such an agreement would not completely eliminate FOMO, but it will greatly reduce it. Working with your daughters' friends' parents to encourage and enforce such agreements could prove very helpful with younger students. Moreover, if we get girls in the habit of imposing blackout periods when they are younger, starting in sixth or seventh grade, it will make it easier for them to continue such habits as they get older.
Perfectionism often afflicts girls, and this can impact homework time. Certainly, we want girls to do their best, but best does not mean perfect which, is generally impossible to achieve anyway. You may want to examine carefully whether your daughter is pursuing perfection. Work with your daughter to make sure she's not doing unnecessary work. If she has these tendencies, it's important that she overcome them earlier rather than later. As she gets older, demands will increase and her efforts to achieve perfection will only become more self-defeating and even self-destructive.
You should also take careful stock of how your daughter uses her time in other ways. Does she take advantage of her study halls? Teachers post future assignments on course pages and teach students to manage larger projects by dividing them into smaller components. Does your daughter utilize this information to spread her work out, anticipating periods of heavier demand? Does she spread larger assignments out over time? An English paper due tomorrow was not assigned today, but rather days, probably at least a week, ago. Our seniors frequently credit Holton with teaching them to manage time well, so we're confident that most of our students master this critical life skill, but it may take time and encouragement.
If you and your daughter are convinced that she is fully concentrating on her homework and it still seems to be taking too long or if you're suspect perfectionism, I would recommend a conversation with her teachers. I would also encourage your daughter to talk to her division's Learning Specialist. Advisors and Deans (in Upper School) can also be very helpful resources. In all these conversations, your daughter should be seeking insight and advice from her teachers and/or the Learning Specialist about how she's studying and how she can become more efficient. And if she's a perfectionist, her teachers and/or the Learning Specialist will help identify this issue and help her deal with it. Your daughter should initiate these conversations, but if she's in Middle School or even in ninth grade, it may be appropriate for you to talk to her teachers, the Learning Specialist or Dean as well.
If your daughter finds it impossible most nights to go to bed at a reasonable time, you and she may also need to take a hard look the range of activities in which she is involved. I am writing during what kids call "hell week," the days of final rehearsal leading up to the fall play performances. Even for the most organized and efficient student, this can be a tough week, (which is why we schedule performances and Parent-Teacher Conferences together), but this should be an exception. We pride ourselves on being a school where we generally don't limit what the girls do – for example, they can play a varsity sport and have a part in the play; however, this leaves the decisions about what is an appropriate level of extracurricular activities for a given student up to her (and you). She has to decide where her limits are and possibly make some choices. Moreover, those limits don't just include school activities but also activities outside of school. They all add up. Part of what defines her limits should be the ability to go to bed early enough to get enough sleep. Most of us can't do all the things we'd like to, and part of maturing is learning to make choices.
I do believe that homework can serve as a scapegoat when in reality other circumstances also contribute to a student's busyness and lack of sleep. That said, we as an institution absolutely have an obligation to create an environment where student can do well academically while being able to live healthily, which certainly includes getting enough sleep. This is why when Upper School students do their course planning, we ask them to include all their extracurricular activities as well as family time and time for friends with specific allocations associated with each of these categories. We want them to be able to spend time with family and friends, to pursue activities they love, and do well in school. That's why we make students go through an approval process to take on a sixth major. It's also why we may advise strongly against taking all the honors and AP classes they request. In addition to these existing steps, we are exploring ways to learn more about our students' study and sleep habits, delving deeper into how much time they are spending doing homework and sleeping. We've also been talking to them about the importance of sleep much more regularly. I was very proud of one of my junior advisees who reported with pride that she'd gone to bed early one night. We want our girls to boast about getting more sleep, not, as is too often the case, competing about how little they've slept.
We live in a culture of busyness. Sometimes we value being busy for the sake of being busy, not for what we really might be doing. That busyness culture puts little value on sleep, or for that matter time for relationships or reflection. More seriously, as Brené Brown points out, busyness can serve as a shield against acknowledging and embracing our deep emotions, our vulnerability. Our girls can absorb those values, and we need to help them be countercultural. Some of that we need to do by our own modeling. Are we enablers of and participants in the busyness culture? Do we get enough sleep? If none of that convinces you that your daughter should get more sleep, remember that students who sleep more get higher grades.